"Sometimes we hear discussions and rumors about folks who are scared to death of 'making the SWI's mad'. These stories probably originate from hearing about people who have tried to pry information out of orphanage staff or Directors without realizing the ramifications of how their methods are perceived or accepted.
Dealing with China, Chinese people, and Orphanage System workers who operate in a communist country is no simple matter. If one takes a 'Western' approach in dealing with them, or tries to pry into their affairs un-invited, this is asking for problems.
I am half Chinese and come from a second generation Chinese American Family. We have relatives and ties in China, and we are very aware of the cultural and communicative factors involved in dealing with Chinese that many in Western societies are often ignorant of.
We are careful to employ several critical elements when in pursuit of research and information for your family, for these very reasons.
To begin with, our researchers in China consists of Chinese Nationals who not only understand Chinese culture and the appropriate way to interact, but they are also working inside the Adoption System. They are familiar with the protocols, Directors, and Staff throughout the country, and when asking for permission to compile information and access records, they are not considered outsiders or strangers.
If an American, or even a Chinese who was not involved in the Adoption System, were to phone up an orphanage Director and request information, this would obviously receive a vary different reaction.
On top of that, our researchers observe Chinese cultural norms and accepted practices, some of which are outlined here:
1. Mianzi (Face)
The idea of shame, usually expressed as 'face' could be loosely defined as the 'status' or 'self-respect' in Chinese. It is the worst thing for a Chinese to lose face. We do our best to never insult, embarrass, shame, yell at or otherwise demean a person. Neither is it a good idea to try to prove Chinese wrong or shout at them in public.
We never make demands. We find we get much better results by calmly explaining the situation and requesting assistance politely in correcting the problem. By doing this, our host can offer an act of friendship rather than "losing face" by giving in to a demand. Most Chinese will go out of their way to help if it is presented correctly.
2. Guanxi (Relationships between People)
The fundamental glue that has held Chinese society together is the concept of guanxi, relationships between people. It is very important for the Chinese to have good relationships.
3. Keqi
Keqi not only means considerate, polite, and well mannered, but also represents humbleness and modesty. The expression is most often used in the negative, as in buyao keqi, meaning 'you shouldn't be so kind and polite to me,' or 'you're welcome.'
4. Greetings and Introductions
It is important when starting or opening a greeting for the most senior person to introduce themselves and then the next senior person, thus working down the rank in your company or organization.
Even when Chinese business people visit Western countries, they will mostly walk in the room with the most senior person leading the party. This custom is a matter of respect and honor, these two words are probably the most important in Chinese culture. Normally when you are shaking the hand of a Chinese official or business person it is polite to slightly bow your head forward, but not your whole body.
Chinese prefer to formally introduced to someone new. We always stand up when being introduced and remain standing throughout the introductions.
Shaking hands in an affirmative manner is wisely accepted and com practice in the Chinese business world.
We use both hands when presenting business cards and ensure the writing faces the person to whom we are presenting our card. Cards should also be received with both hands.
We do not immediately put the card in a pocket or bag - as this is considered rude. When seated, we often place the cards on the table and wait for an appropriate time to put them away.
5. Social distance, Touching & Gestures
The Chinese do not like to be touched, particularly by strangers. This is an interesting point to note, as Westerners often hug, back slap or touch peoples arms. Chinese, however, generally don't have the same sense of personal space that North Americans do. It's not unusual for Chinese people to almost press up against you while speaking to you.
Other gestures which can be considered rude are:
Pointing with the index finger; it is better to use the open hand instead.
Using the index finger to call someone; it is more polite to use the hand with fingers motioning downward as in waving.
Snapping fingers.
Showing the soles of shoes.
Whistling.
6. Eye Contact
We make an appropriate amount of eye-contact with our business partners during communications. Staring or absence of eye-contact can be considered impolite.
7. Dining Etiquette
Chopsticks should not be played with during a meal (for example banging them on the table), used for pointing or left standing up in a rice bowl.
The socially-acceptable method for eating rice is to bring one's bowl close to one's mouth and quickly scoop the rice into it with one's chopsticks, but simply lifting portions of rice to the mouth from the bowl held in the other hand is also acceptable.
8. Gift Giving
If invited to a family party, small gifts like wine, tea, cigarettes, or candies are appropriate. Also fruit, pastries, and flowers are a safe choice.
Wedding gifts and birthday gifts for the aged are always sent in pairs for the old saying goes that blessings come in pairs. The number Four reads like death in Chinese, this it is avoided.
Clocks are also in-appropriate, as it sounds like attending other's funeral. The colors black and white are connected with death and sorrow, so should avoided.
It is best to wrap gifts, but avoid using white paper as it symbolizes death. Red and gold are best.
When receiving gifts from the Chinese, we do not open them unless they insist.
9. Meeting Times
Chinese usually tend to come a bit earlier to show their earnestness. It is not regarded as being late if one shows up to a meeting within 10 minutes of its scheduled time.
10. During Meetings
When entering into business negotiations, verbal communications are enough and we avoid using to many gestures.
It is important to not take the Chinese nod for agreement; it's only a sign that they are listening attentively.
If a Chinese person gives a compliment, it is polite to deny it graciously. Modesty is highly valued in China."
They go on to say:
"As with everything we do, your privacy and the privacy of your child is our highest concern. We maintain strong relationships with the Directors and Staff of the SWI's and are careful not to do anything that would jeopardize those relationships. We make every effort to ensure the accuracy of the research we conduct, and often cross-check facts multiple times. Anyone who has dealt with the staff of Chinese orphanages will be able to attest to why this is so important.
We hope this has helped you to understand why we have been so effective in securing information for hundreds of families over the years."
Playing with the trucks sister Kaitlyn picked out for them.
After breakfast we went back to the room and talked to Dave and the girls through Skype so we could video conference. It was great to talk to all of them. I gave Kaitlyn a hug over the computer and she said it was not cuddly enough! The boys played for a while then I decided to take them out and look around and then go to lunch. We get ready to leave the room (the housekeeper is there cleaning) and get part way down the hall and both boys start crying so I turn around and go back to the room and have to sit in a chair and hold them and rock them for about 10 minutes all the time the housekeeper is watching me to see what is going on. I can tell now that Max is saying in Mandarin that he wants to go home so I explain in English that we have to stay almost two weeks and he has to go out and eat sometime, but that Mama is taking him to America on a big plane but we can't go yet and that Mama loves them and won't leave them! All the while hugging and rocking and kissing them and pantomiming going on a plane! The maid did smile when they quit crying and we left! (Could have been she was just happy to get us out of her way!)
This is the view from our hotel window. Underneath all the cement and green is the underground shopping center!
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